According to legends, the muses sang of this mystical fellow, whose name had never been revealed. Perhaps the community had not assigned him a title, or perhaps he rejected the one he was given. It had all happened such a long time ago, no one could remember.

This fellow was quite concerned with the well being of his surroundings, particularly the trees, animals, and clouds around him, and dedicated his life to protecting his environment. He had made a blood pact with nature.

Not too long after his promise with the spirit of the woods, he discovered that water is present in larger quantities than the bowl he was accustomed to. He shyly gazed into the stagnant water, and then decided it was good to drink. Soon enough he was exploring the lake and splashing around like a child having a grand old time.

The problem was, our little friend didn't know how to swim. He probably didn't even have a word for swimming. He was drowning slowly, or at least he would have been if he couldn't breathe underwater. He was sinking, but living, as he realised that there were other lives around him, small curious things that wiggled when they moved and glistened sharply when the rays of light hit them.

The self proclaimed defender of nature, being the friendly fellow he was, communicated with the fishes, and slowly learned their language and customs, viewed their property as another beautiful aspect of nature, became their peer, and later, their superior.

Yes, he was their physical superior. He was stronger and braver than any of them, so when a rock needed moving or a submerged vessel needed exploring, the fishes would call upon him. As a result of of his strength and fishlike abilities, the fellow basically controlled the sea he lived in, in a figurative way.

However, since the protagonist left the dry, no one was there to listen to his lectures of the environment, nor was anyone there to support his cause or spread the enlightened word. As a result of this, greed had spread, and the era of caring that had once swept the land had been subsided by the human desire for power.

The hero, living in the body of water that he lived in, was blissfully unaware of the wave of EVILLLLLL eating at the world. I'm sad to say that this was his demise; mass pollution was dumped into the lake and the population of the glorious wet paradise dropped to zero.

Quite an ironic death for the Defender of Nature indeed.

As the soul of our fellow ascended into the skyhole, he could hear a somewhat odd chorus, most likely composed of just one man and one woman, he thought to himself. He could definitely tell that there were lyrics that meant something significant in the way the pair sang them, but he couldn't make them out. THe music grew more persistent and grander as he rose higher, and when he felt he could finally touch the blue above him, the pretty song had stopped.

"Friend", said the female singer, now speaking in a tongue familiar to that guy I mentioned so many times.
"We watched your from up here
And now that you are near
We shall speak to thee
Regarding living in the sea"

"We will observe
So relax your nerves
You are no longer alive
But your rating is a five."

"Five?" said the Defender, extremely confused and overwhelmed at what was going on, thinking he might be mad. "Five?" he repeated.

"You are man
You do all you can
But you can only strive
To be five"

"Yes, but what does all this me-" a booming rumble had tragically cut the narrator off and threw him to the ground. The sky grew redder and redder as the unsettling rumble grew from a nuisance to borderline lethal (EXCEPT YOU CAN'T DIE IN HEAVEN, HAR). What looked like a large insect floated up in the same manner as our hero did, and placed itself nicely before the male singer.

It opened what it called a mouth, as a drone flew out along with the barely decipherable lyrics
"Silly mortal boy
I can bring you joy
I will make you more
I will make you six"

Still utterly confused, the fellow remained silent. This whole business was rather perplexing. What did these numbers mean? Where was he? Why didn't that last couplet rhyme? Did his fish friends also have to do this.

Again, before the poor man could find out anymore information, an eerie noise threw everything off.
The best way to describe it would be a shriek, but kind of a serene yet nasally one. Like a frightened child calming down in the middle of the night.

Again, this time there was another figure, only even more disgusting looking, and his back was to the person his speech was clearly directed at.

"Brave child, you have done well. I'm not going to sing though, as it really gets annoying, kind of like Gruntilda in Banjo Kazooie.
Anyway, the numbers are essentially rank. The higher your number is, the cooler you are.

I can make it seven.

You are everywhere, being thrust around the universe constantly. That couplet didn't rhyme because Satan is lazy, and no, there is no fish heaven."

After letting that sink in for quite some time, the protagonist spoke.

"Rank?
Rank?
RANK?
You immature little fucks. That's a moronic concept. HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME MY NUMBER IS BIGGER THAT MAKES ME COOLER. you know what, this doesn't even make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. Fuck this.
Fuck you all.
Fuck."

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END

TL;DR: This.